Dear May...

May 20th, 2010.

I made the hardest decision of my life.

I packed my clothes and computer in a laundry basket, I got in my van and I drove away from my husband, and the kiddos stayed with him because he had the beds, room, etc.

I have questioned this choice every day since.

I am far from perfect, I've made every level of mistake possible.

Confusing Chocolate Syrup for BBQ Sauce...

Forgetting birthdays...

Saying I loved people I didn't truly love...

And so many other horrible, terrible, very bad things.

And I have said that I want to go back, and change things.

But it's a lie.

When I was little, maybe 8 or 9 I asked my Mom what would have happened if I had decided to have Cheerios rather than Chex (or something like that...) in the morning, would the day have been different?

I really believe that even your Taco Bell order can determine the rest of the day.

If I have that extra cup of coffee and then have to go potty an hour earlier and walk into the break room and that guy I like is there...what then?  And if I didn't have that coffee, what then?

I'm a calendar, I remember dates.

May 20th will always be the day I drove away.

The day I changed my life, and a hundred others with my decision.

And for all the amazing things, and horrible things.

The tears, sobbing, laughing, giggling, hugs, kisses, mean words, and friends...

If I could get in a time machine right now, and go back to March 18th 1984 at 8:09 PM and start all over, I would not change a thing.

All the pain, and hating myself, and tears.  Well, they also gave me this:

March 4th 2006, 11:28 AM: Berea cried for the first time ever.

December 28th 2007, 7:28 AM: Dustin cried for the first time ever.

September 20th 2010: I started the one job I love, and fit it at, and have made the best friends of my life.

July 29th 2006: I married the Ex (Yes, that's a win, because we were happy, once upon a time).

June 21 1986 (First-day-of-summer): My amazing brother was born.

August 9th 2010 about 3:30 PM: I held my niece, and cried.

May 2011: I got to travel to Boston for work and make some of the best friends I have.

I could go on and on.

Bottom line, with the bad, comes the good.

I have friends, and two amazing kids, and a family that loves me.

And I'm done saying I'm broken/damaged/blah-blah-blah.

Cause I am exactly what I was meant to be, I have a lot of learning, and growing, and thinking.

But in the end...I'm living my life, one Taco Bell order at a time.

On answering the phone...

I've been dreading today for a long time.

Mother's Day has never been a fun day for me, it was never a day "off", it was a day of kids, and BBQs with the in-laws and diaper changing.

Rarely did I get a card, I was told "It's not like you are MY mom..."

And after the fiasco that was my birthday this year, and feeling horribly forgotten I decided to just push the day out of my head.

I should have known better.

As soon as my kiddos showed up on Friday night they kept asking how long until Mother's Day, B was upset because she had made me a present at school and didn't bring it (not even going there!)

Yesterday, we went to the store, the kids had helped me make the list and B was having fun adding to it, because I've always said if it's on the list we have to get it.

So she added things like "Dog Food", "Cat Food", "Cookies", "Branies" (Browines)...and flowers.

I thought she wanted more outside flowers and I told her it was a little too cold, maybe in a few weeks.

Then when we passed the floral department she asked if we could get flowers, and I kept saying things like "we'll see..."  or "maybe..." finally I just said no, but told her maybe next time.

My amazing girl stopped and told me I HAD to buy flowers because Sunday was MY day and if I didn't buy flowers then no one else would and I had to have flowers and she couldn't go to the store to get them.

We bought a pink rose.

My amazing little 6 year old was so worried that I would be forgotten.

I've always told the kids that the best presents are hugs and kisses and a day without fighting, or homemade pictures.

This morning I got a private dance performance.

Now, anyone that knows me knows I HATE answering the phone, aside from Mom, Dad, the Ex and 2 friends I do not answer, I send it to voice mail and then text to see what you want.

Today my phone rang, and it was someone I haven't seen in 6 years, talk to by IM every so often, but that's it.  I answered, assuming I was being butt-dialed...

I wasn't.  He called to tell me Happy Mother's Day.

I cannot even explain how much that one silly phone call meant.  

I hung up and burst into tears, scared the poor kiddos.

I told them they were happy tears and Mommy was flattered, D took that to mean I was "flattened" and was very confused.  B asked what it meant, and I couldn't really explain.

But, I do know now that when my phone rings, maybe I won't be so terrified of who is on the other side, because this weekend that one little phone call made my day.

(I was originally going to post about Mother's Day Past and Present, but then I realized the past is mostly behind me.  Today was a great day, my kids love me and are amazing and are generous and caring and gorgeous and that's what matters.  But I will leave you with this...)

Once upon a time...

I met a boy, and I really really liked him.

We had a baby, B, she was perfect.

Then we were married.

Then we had another baby, D.

He was amazing.

In the end, it didn't work.

I still love him.

BUT, here's the kicker.

He was a boy, and I was a girl.

So no one thought twice.

I have lots of amazing friends, and some of them, **GASP** are boys that like boys, or girls that like girls...

My marriage didn't work.

But, theirs might.

IF THEY WERE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED.

We don't plan on who we fall in love with, we don't decide.

It just happens.

This is me on my soap box.

It's TWENTY-TWELVE.

Let people love who they should love, and be with the people they want to be with.

And maybe, just maybe, they'll do better than I can.

I promised a post...

About this image.

(Yes, I know it should say "Some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go...but whatever, OCD be gone!)

I've been thinking a lot.  And I've had a few people recently knock the crud out of me and punch me in the face and make me see the worst in me, the truth, the future, blah blah blah.

I have to get over it and move on.  I have to see the future, and think about what I can do now.

I'm tired, and I'm hurt, and I am OH SO EFFING SCARED that it isn't even funny.

I've said a million times that I'm a big girl, that life just happens...

I'm not, and it does, and I hate it.

I need to be held.  I need to be loved.  I need people to help me deal with everything.

And funny thing, the few that have tried I've push away, or pissed off, or run away from.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted to show the world that I am amazing and I can do it all and be okay and be happy and fake it.

I don't want to fake it.

I want to pick up the phone and ask to be held, or ask for help, or tell my silly not funny jokes and have people laugh at my lack of funny-ness.

I want to be me and not worry that everyone is judging me, and talking behind my back.

(You hear that random people at Wal-Mart...I know what you are thinking....)

Yep, I'm paranoid, and that might be because I don't really like myself, so how could anyone else?

But, there are a few people, that have shown me recently that I might not be amazing, but I deserve to be happy, and loved, and have friends, and I'm-not-a-horrible-terrible-person.

I'm human.

I'm Just Me.

Right now, Just Me could work on being okay, and smiling, and dealing with the changes.

I'm 28, I'm a part-time single mom, a full time tech support specialist, I will go out of my way to help anyone, and make them smile, and make cupcakes (No, T2's I haven't forgotten!).

I can do this, and I can get better, and be better, and be okay.

But I do need help, and hugs, and friends, and sometimes, I need to be punched in the face.

So, I am going to try to forget all of the what-could-have-been-what-should-have-been stuffz.

I'm going to try to be me, and be happy being me, and I'm going to try to make real friends and not run away, and maybe be a little more normal.  (Cause, let's face it, I'll never be really normal, that wouldn't be fun.)

It gets easier...

...or so they say.

Personally, I think it gets harder.

Everyday is another day that I feel like I've fucked up, screwed up, made a mistake, made the best choice for me and my kids are paying the price....yeah, nothing fits...

I'm the human calendar...I remember dates; like elephants think of peanuts...

I hate it.

Smells, even worse.

Rain...

I miss Spring on the porch with my coffee.

I want to be me.

This post has taken me over five hours.

I want someone, anyone, to see me.

I'm broken, and hurt, and annoyed.

But I'm Erin.

I was the baby that didn't, couldn't cuddle.

I'm done with feeling alone.  I know, I try to remind myself, I need you to tell me you are there.

I want to be happy.

BUT...I need help.

Possibilities.

I've thought a lot, recently, about what I want.

Or, what I can have, realistically.

My happiest time was in the house in Loveland, I had my babies, it was clean, I made dinner for my husband.

I was happy.

I don't like coming home alone.  I miss the kids.

But I also miss that feeling.  The house, the laundry, everything.

I left, I walked away for a reason.

But I still want that feeling I had in the beginning.

I know that it's 2012 and I shouldn't want to be a mom and wife.

And I kinda don't.

I'm smart.  I want to be the perfect Mom and Wife and have a bit of a career, or something.

I know...makes no sense.

I want to eat my cake and have it too.

I want to come home to someone.

I want to kick ass at my job and come home to hugs and do laundry and have someone to take out the trash.

I used to say I should have been born in the 50's, but then I wouldn't have had the career.

Yep...I want it all.

I want my kids.  I want someone to love me, despite my many faults.

Thing is, I really think I can make it happen.  I CAN do it all.

Now, just have to find the people that believe that to support me.

Possibilities.

Socially Awkward

Okay, I get it...I'm not normal.

I hate ice cream, cake, cartoons, funny, humor...

And I am so socially awkward...

I always seem to put my foot in my mouth.  I'm the girl that could cut off her feet and send them to Asia and still get them in her mouth.

(Yup, I went there)

I think I finally know what I want.  And silly thing, it's driving me nuts that I cannot vocalize it and tell people and make it happen and all that stuffz.

(Yup, put a z on that word)

I'm not the go-with-the-flow person.  I plan, and organize.

Yup...it's time for me to be me, and be seen and everything-else-that-I-should-be-saying-right-now.